What, Exactly, Is the Gay Lifestyle?
Last year, I took part in a local production of The Laramie Project, a play based on interviews with folks in Laramie, Wyoming, after the brutal murder of college student Matthew Shepard. It was a galvanizing moment in the gay rights movement, in which a harsh light was beamed on the issue of violence against gays, for the entire world to see.
The experience, for me, was also galvanizing — as an actor returning to the stage after a long hiatus, as a gay person now living in a town smaller than Laramie, and as a couch activist revisiting this event twenty-five years later.
The script consists of interviews with dozens of townspeople and those involved in the crime, either as participants, observers, medical personnel, or law enforcement. One phrase that stuck in my craw throughout the rehearsal and the performance was that several characters — even good, well-meaning ones — referred to “the gay lifestyle.” As in, “I don’t mind what they do in private, but it’s the lifestyle I object to.”
After one performance, there was a talkback for the audience. I was hoping somebody would ask a question related to this topic, which I was eager to speak about, but it never came up.
While the rights of LGBT+ people have grown a lot in the last twenty-five years, and young people are generally much more courageous in announcing their identities freely, the backlash in recent years has also grown.
And that one thing seems to be the sticking point then and now: the lifestyle.
So, I want to ask, “What, exactly, is the gay lifestyle?”
Those who complain about it are usually heterosexual, and the most vociferous about it often follow up with something along the lines of, “I’m okay with it but do they need to shove it in our faces?” In other words, they are not okay with it.
Listen, most homosexuals grew up with heterosexuality shoved in our faces — grooming, if you will — and we still ended up gay.
My sense is that those complaining about the gay lifestyle are seeing a very limited version, one that is often shown on TV screens and social media in order to titillate. For example, the media may show the most outrageous aspects of New York’s Gay Pride Parade (that of a large, multi-cultural, liberal city), a parade that lasts for hours. But they never show LGBT policemen and firemen marching in uniform, members of prestigious law firms, and businesses showing support. No, only boys in Speedos atop a float, usually representing a gay bar. As if our lives are constant bar crawls.
And, seriously? You’re going to pick a fight with drag queens? I go to a drag show about once a year, if that. It’s not a big part of my “lifestyle.” I don’t think they are playing a big role in corrupting our kids. Yet kids can, any time of day, turn on a television and find a rerun of the very popular show Two and a Half Men. Is that what you mean by sexualizing our children? Or they will certainly find sexual content in many music videos. When they say, “They are sexualizing our children,” what they really mean is, “They are homo-sexualizing our children.”
That’s not how it works. I had no gay role models growing up and saw no drag queens until I was well into adulthood. How do you explain my being gay?
When I lived in New York, I was certainly acquainted with gay and lesbian couples. Now that I live in the hinterlands, the only LGBT people I meet are couples! Not easy for a single guy, lemme tell ya! But it is the nature of a place like New York, a place of ambition, that long-lasting couples — gay or straight — aren’t as plentiful per capita as they are outside of the metropolis. The gay and lesbian couples out in the country are as wholesome as Mike and Carol Brady.
The lifestyle, from my observation, is about the same as for single straight people. If we’re single, we date. That may involve online “hookup” sites like Tinder or Grindr, or more conservative dating sites like eHarmony or Match.com. The dates may involve sex or not. In the end, most of us are looking for love.
How many movies do we see where attractive straight people fall in love and they are in bed the same night? There is nary a complaint from the conservative folk. Are the characters promoting a “straight lifestyle”? Is fornication acceptable only for straights?
Should we call it a “straight lifestyle” based on what we see on spring break, at a Comic-Con event, or at a rowdy football game?
There are cultural differences, certainly. The humor is often different; standup comics that appeal to straight guys usually don’t appeal to gay guys. There probably aren’t a lot of straight men who eagerly await a Tony Awards viewing party, just as there are few of us who plan a weekend in February around a Super Bowl.
For whatever reason, our tastes in music often differ — but, make no mistake, there are LGBT rockers and metalheads out there.
Other than that, there are many similarities. Believe it or not, many LGBT people go to religious services (if they are welcomed) and believe in God. Many of us enjoy watching and participating in sports. Many of us have loving families where our partners are welcomed into the fold. Many of us have children and raise them to the best of our abilities. We go to work, we eat meals, we spend quiet evenings at home watching a favorite show, and we sleep.
What, exactly, is the gay lifestyle?
