Just Answer the Phone!
What Happened to the Live Phone Call?
I’m old enough to remember being a child in the ’70s. There were four kids in our household, and whenever the phone would ring (this was before answering machines), we’d all run to be the first to answer it. Only my father would be unmovable, often saying, “If that’s for me, I just died.” (BTW, he’s still alive.) For a child then, answering the phone was an adventure. Who might be on the line?
Fast forward fifty years. Humans avoid the phone at all costs.
I’ve blogged before about how we’ve come to hate businesses because so many of them make it nearly impossible to reach a real human who might clear up your problem in five minutes. (Different story if the business is trying to sell you something — then they have a live person calling you daily.) I’ve also blogged about how our declining communication skills have led to our teenagers contacting each other about a possible date by texting the sexy, caveman-like come-on line, “Hey.” (I advised my students that they are better than that and to never accept a date that begins with “Hey.” I’m not sure if they listened to me; we live in desperate times, which calls for desperate hookups.)
I’m not going to write about that today. And I confess that modern times have gotten to me as well; I try but don’t always live up to my own advice.
But I want to talk about the decency of a phone call. Important relationships are not meant to be scheduled for our convenience.
Remember that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie’s boyfriend broke up with her via a Post-It note? Carrie, a woman of words herself, was rightfully outraged. But we didn’t learn the lesson from that episode (that was even pre-texting); things have only gotten worse. We even have a word for it now that didn’t exist back then: ghosting.
For the scant few who haven’t experienced it, “ghosting” means to cut off all contact with someone abruptly and without explanation. This has become common in the dating world. And it can happen after several dates, not just a one-night stand.
It turns out, Carrie was lucky she got as much as a Post-It note.
What the hell has happened to us that this has become normal behavior? No wonder young people are so depressed.
Just this week, I was out on a walk when the phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number but it was local. I decided to answer, knowing that if it was a business I could cut them off quickly with a “No, thank you.” As it turned out, it was a woman asking about the local writing group I had set up with two other writers a few months ago. We had a really nice connection for about fifteen minutes, sharing our artistic experiences and goals; she plans to show up for the next meeting. She thanked me for the generosity of my time. What a pleasant little lift that gave to my day — the unexpected connection.
The old answering machine and the current ID-ing that happens now when your phone rings are useful tools. After all, probably 90% of our incoming calls are Spam, somebody trying to sell you something. But it’s sad that we’ve gotten to the point where we look at the phone and see our mother, our brother, our close friend, or a neighbor and mentally think to ourselves, “I can’t deal with them now. I’ll call back later.” Or, if we think it might be an emergency, we’ll wait and text back, “What’s going on?” If the answer is, “Oh, I was just checking in to see how your week was going,” we might reply, “Thank you. Going well. Let’s talk later in the week.” Later in the week, when it’s convenient for ME.
One of the fun things about watching old TV sitcoms is that the characters have to answer the phone. And then they have to deal with whoever is on the other end. It can make for great comedy. And the reason it’s great comedy is that we recognize our own humanity in these surprise encounters that they have to improvise around.
I have a dear older friend who I try to keep in touch with even though I have a busy schedule. Around Thanksgiving, at the end of our phone call, the friend said, “Can you call me around Christmas? I get lonely sometimes.” A direct, simple request for honest communication that I was happy to honor. We didn’t schedule it. I just called one evening before the holiday and they picked up. In fact, we scheduled a lunch date. It was a wonderful 90 minutes and neither one of us looked at our phones during the meal and conversation.
That, too, seems too much to ask these days: An uninterrupted lunch date with a friend or family member.
Relationships are messy, even the best ones. If we are trying to control all of the messiness by scheduling people into our Google calendar, we are not living life. I’m not saying to open the floodgates, dissolve all boundaries, and answer the phone for everybody you meet who may want a new friend. And you may have a toxic relationship with your mother or father or sibling, in which case it might be best to keep connections minimal. But keep the live connections with your loved ones.
However, if the Mom you love calls, do your best to answer.
